Warning: The following post contains honest thoughts and reflections (just like all the others). The mood may change unexpectedly. And the roller coaster adventure continues...
My blood test results came back earlier than usual. It has been less than a week, and we were expecting up to two weeks. We are learning to expect the unexpected. Think about the ramifications of that for a while if you want a headache. Well, the result is that I will not be the donor for Missy's transplant. I missed the trick question on the blood test. The results show that I have a Factor V Leiden. According to Mayo's web site, it is a common inherited genetic disorder that can increase my chance of developing abnormal blood clots. I had never heard of this problem until this evening.
This condition, affliction (or whatever it is) is problematic on two levels. It could cause problems during the surgery to remove part of my liver. It could also be a problem for Missy since most of clotting factor V is produced in the liver. That means that my liver could produce a clotting problem for Missy if I was the donor.
I am very disappointed that I will not be able to be Missy's donor. I could sense Missy's disappointment as well. I was really hoping to be able to help her out with the transplant. This setback will further delay her transplant. When I had the hope of being her donor, I had a sense of being able to do something about her suffering. Now, I'm back to a feeling of helplessness. Remember the warning at the beginning of this post?
Upon further reflection and conversation with God, we are dealing with this news. We're not really happy about it yet, but we're dealing with it. We do have Donor Candidate #2 beginning the process tonight. We have Missy's caregiver situation worked out. We definitely don't want to endanger Missy's health any more with a possibly defective liver. God is going to work things out. He just isn't going to do it in the way we imagined. That's a good thing because He has a much better imagination than we do. He is okay with my disappointment and frustration. I'm okay with trusting Him to do what is best. At least I keep telling myself that.
He reminded me tonight of the time where Jesus drove an evil spirit out of a man's son. The man told Jesus, "I believe. Help my unbelief." God, we trust You with Missy's health. Just help us when it's more difficult to trust. Another part of that passage spoke to me as well. The disciples couldn't drive out the spirit. Afterward, they approached Jesus, and asked Him why they couldn't do it. His response was that it could only be done through prayer. Sure, I've been praying for Missy every day, several times a day, every time I think of her. But have I really been praying as I should? Have my prayers been as fervent and full of faith as they should be? God worked out circumstances at church tonight where I could have a good conversation with Him. You know...the kind of conversation where I was made quiet, still, and had to listen.
As our roller coaster takes another turn, I am learning how to move from trying to be the best donor I can be to learning how to be the best caregiver I can be. Your prayers are always appreciated. Stay tuned. Our journey is never boring.
The scripture I read for today seems to fit the situation you are facing:
ReplyDeleteJohn 10:28-30 “I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”
John, thanks for your honesty and openness in the post. Being able to write how you feel will help all of us grow in our faith as we experience this alongside you both. See God is already using you in a mighty way!
ReplyDeleteI'm thankful we serve One who it's ok if we don't understand. It's ok if we are not happy with the answers. It's ok if we are still human.